So, about 10 minutes after that last post, probably because I let my guard down before it was time, I had the biggest anxiety attack I've had in years. Thank goodness it was NOT a screaming one, but it awful enough that I asked Sheldon if he thought I needed to go to the hospital or something. It's really embarrassing too. Having anxiety attacks makes me feel crazy and ashamed.
I've been really careful since then to keep an eye on how I'm feeling and try and tend it so it doesn't get out of hand. I've continued to believe the work stuff is not all my fault and that's helping. On Christmas I started to feel anxiety coming on and took an ativan for the fist time that wasn't for something like flying or surgery. I didn't want to break my "streak" of not having to take them but it seemed more practical to break the streak and not have an anxiety attack in the middle of Christmas dinner.
During times of anxiety I also get this really fun thing where I'm able to leap to big conclusions in a single bound. For example, today we put away Christmas and I saw Sheldon lovingly packing away his Star Trek ornaments into a special box. Immediately I figure that he is of course separating them so if he decides to leave me this year they will be easy to grab. I KNOW this is likely ridiculous, and I'm super lucky to have Sheldon and friends who I can say, "Hey, I want you to know that I am feeling this thing that I am pretty sure is unreasonable and it would be really helpful if we could speak briefly about it."
I'm going to be working set hours and making sure I don't get too emotionally involved in work and then trying to get a handle on my mind and health and stuff. I need to make time for exercise and eating healthy. I KNOW that doing those things improves my physical and emotional health more than anything else. I KNOW how to do them, and it kind of baffles me how I just slip so easily back into gluttony and sloth when I feel so much better when I do them and worse when I don't.
I looked up loving kindness meditation the other night, but when I got to the bits where I'm supposed to be loving and kind and forgiving to myself I just couldn't make myself buy in. When I see my friends having a hard time it's really easy for me to empathize and be understanding about all the things that contributed to their hard time. When I turn it inward though I can pick at every time I slacked when I should have been working harder, and I know all the times when I played when I could have been working towards my goals, and I can't say I did my best, so how can I be forgiving?
We're all secret nutters my dear ;) The trick is engineering around your own faults, I'm told. This week I'm bribing myself with chocolate to achieve a clean house, and a reduction in the growing pile of shit which I'm avoiding(email, my Grandmother's will, business proposals, cleaning my car, etc.). If I'm really really good, and get most of it tackled, I get a massage. But frankly, that doesn't look likely ;)
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