Made it another day!

Ok, so now thanks to a Lot of help from Sheldon, all the presents have been bought and I don't have to work for the next two days.  I spent today letting go of a lot of responsibility for my impending business failure. I'm keeping a more appropriate amount now.

I came home and fell asleep for three hours.  Now we're watching A Christmas Story and tentatively wrapping gifts (read: tossing shit in gift bags, yo).   Why do always forget how funny this movie is?   I  feel pretty good.  Thanks  to everyone for  wishing me well.  It really helped!  

I hope everyone has a safe and happy (or at the very least not unpleasant!) next couple of days.

Merry Christmas

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday.  My birthday was OK until my 30th, when I almost spent the whole day alone because my then-husband wouldn't bring our car home and I wasn't allowed to ride in the work truck, and then I finally did get to go to my old auntie's, and my parents showed up, and that was it.  My parents and aunt were the only people who cared enough to do anything for my 30th birthday.  Valentine's day was OK until 2006 when my then-boyfriend of 2 years chose that day to tell me that he had a new girlfriend, well not exactly new, they'd been seeing each other for a number of months.  I guess telling me was his gift to her.  Anyway, now I don't really like my birthday or Valentine's day.

Christmas though is special.  I can spend months figuring out what to get people, I LOVE picking presents for people.  I like baking, I like entertaining, and I like having a Christmas tree in the house. Christmas was my absolute favorite holiday.

This year though it's been ruined.  My work, I got a project on Thanksgiving week that's been taking up 4-6 hours a day of my time, but I'm also the only person who can do these two other things.  Those two other things re really just packs of things though.  One of them is 40 things, and one is a dozen things, and I needed to be able to get them done between Thanksgiving and New Years.  So there's basically 18 working days in December, so I needed to get about three of the things done every day.  Each thing involves a lot of back and forth with outside agencies and a lot of testing, but three things a day is definitely doable....if I wasn't spending 4-6 hours a day on the project.  I called out to my superiors several times that I was not going to be able to do ALL the things, but they haven't done anything about it.  If I don't get these things done literally THOUSANDS of people will be at the least inconvenienced and at the worst one or more could die, so I'm really emotionally invested in the things, but I'm doing the best I can, and knowing that even then I will NOT get these things done is literally driving me crazy.  I can't sleep, I'm exhausted, I'm despairing, crying every day, and have started having anxiety attacks for the first time in a few years.  It's making it so I can't function at all at home.  I have to keep it together at work, so all the falling apart is happening at home.  I'm working extra hours when I can, sometimes even until midnight, but I don't have the energy to keep it up, so one day I'll work 12 hours and the next day I'll be exhausted after 7.  I'm having a hard time getting to sleep so I'm having a hard time waking up, and I'm dragging myself into work at 9:30am.  It looks bad.  People are running out of patience with me too.  They want me to do fun stuff and I'm too tired, or they want to talk about something other than how shitty my work is, or they don't know what to do when I can't stop crying and it's starting to irritate them.

With all the energy I'm investing in working and the worry I can't get rid of I have NOTHING left over for Christmas stuff.  Everything is just another thing that must be done on time.  On top of everything, No money showed up for any of Sheldon's three jobs in December.  I guess everyone likes to put off paying until the next year to make the revenues look better.  So we were waiting for the money to show up which we were planning to use for Christmas and it didn't.  Luckily I did a weekend project at work that got me a $500 bonus...payable in gift certificates for specific stores, none of which I shop at.  Kmart was one of the stores, so I just spent several hours trudging around Kmart looking for Evy's and everyone else's Christmas gifts.  There wasn't anything fun about it.  I wasn't able to really get any of the stuff I wanted to get, just a bunch of meaningless crap to fill the empty spaces under the tree so Evy won't be disappointed.

My Facebook post got too long blog

Wow, so I haven't been posting partly because it's insanely busy at work and I'm working a lot.  December is always busy but this year is particularly awful.  I didn't sleep well this week so this morning I got up and dragged myself to the computer (thank goodness for working from home) and worked balls-to-the-wall straight through 'til 5 without a break.  Then I walked back upstairs, climbed into bed, and woke up at 11pm.  I had funny dreams about snuggling with men who I think represented the men I was in conference call with today for hours and hours.

Now it's 1am, and I'm going to try for a second sleep.  Have you read about that?  I think I'd love it.  Here's a link:  http://slumberwise.com/science/your-ancestors-didnt-sleep-like-you/.

The weather seems to think there's a chance of snow tonight though, so I'm setting an alarm to check in a few hours.  If by chance it is snowing I'm going to make some cocoa and watch it because snow.  Then I'll try out a third sleep before getting up to to see if I can't do an "extra credit project" for work.  Happy Holidays!

Mini Blog

This has been a really great weekend!  I was really worried because my ex was taking my kid to Disneyland, but it turned out she had a good time.  I found myself looking forward to something that would normally fill me with dread, AND it was fun, so my anxiety can just fuck right off.  It wasn't a huge deal.  It was a tabletop game day among friends and friends of friends.  I'm really inexperienced at games because I grew up as an only child in a rural area and never really played tabletop games, much less role playing games.  Usually I feel like a fraud geek when I play games, if that makes sense.  In any case I got really into it this time and had a bunch of fun.    Then everything just continued to be fun all day Sunday too.  I returned my bad boots to REI with no issue and we replaced them with two pair of Merrells, and a Leatherman for my purse.  Then we met up with friends at Boneshaker in Rocklin, which is an amazing Pub.  If you like beer and you live in the Sacramento area it's totally worth the drive.  The food's really good too.


Funny note on edit:  The spell checker suggested I change leatherman to leather-man.

Fat chick Burning Man Attire and Beauty.

If you've been reading you'll remember that I was SUPER worried about what sort of clothes and shoes I'd wear out on the playa.  I ended up buying some nylon tube top dress things and was worried about not wearing a bra or whatnot.  The two long dresses I bought were a fail.  They were almost to the ground and kind of hot and I had to tie them up shorter in knots to ride my bike or do any meaningful work.  The shorter dress was a win.  I think the two long ones may get new lives as knee-length ones soon.  I was short on clothes but serendipitously found that I really liked wearing a pretty bra and ruffle-butt bloomers.  No once seemed to be throwing up or anything, but I have no idea what it looked like.  Mirrors are rare out there.  When I was out exploring I got more attention when I wore less, so that was fun too.

My $140 boots I got, I think I might take them back.  I wore them one day with two sets of squishy heel stuff in them and my heels still hurt if I stood more than a half hour or so.  Is it ethical to take them back because my particular feet hurt in them?  It's not like the shoes are defective in any way.  I ended up wearing athletic shoes.

My nails held up like a charm!  I had them done as short as aesthetically possible and told the technician I was going camping.  He put some extra hard gel stuff on them and had no problems.

My hair, oy.  I had no idea it would do this, but it dried up and frizzed into this unrecognizable curl-tangle I could barely get a brush through.  The playa took much of the purple and all I could do was scrape it into a pony tail.  Camp mate Stacy had braids done before she came, and that looked like it worked out much better.

I've been back for 2 weeks and my skin is still messed up and weirdly thickened on the back of my calves.  It took a week of prescription cream steroid to get rid of the rash on my arms.  I'm sure I got a big vitamin D boost and I have a respectable tan.  When I put my regular powder on my face now it looks like playa dust against my skin.  I guess I'll pay for that with a few more wrinkles.

I took a whole sack of makeup to wear out there, but all I ever used was lip balm, sunscreen (sometimes), and moisturizer.

Burning Man, setting the stage.

So if all about Burning Man is what you've seen on TV, you probably don't know much about what it's about or what it's like living in it.  Basically it's a week-long "art of all kinds" festival centered around ten principles which you can read about here.  The principles create a unique social environment in which to experience, create, and perhaps even be art.

The whole thing takes place on a particularly inhospitable bit of desert in Nevada.  It is so barren that the only animals that are inconvenienced by the presence of seventy thousand people tromping all over for a week are the fairy shrimp eggs in the dust. The dust is everywhere, and it sucks the moisture out of everything and eventually does nasty stuff to skin.  The weather is unpredictable.  It can be anything from freezing to city-paralyzing rain but specializes in effing hot with winds full of dust in the afternoons.  The infrastructure is minimal.  Porta-Potties are provided in generous numbers, but still possibly more than a quarter mile from where you might be at any given time.  There are trained medical personnel and ambulances and helicopters on call to whisk people away on expensive trips to far off medical centers.  There are security forces including federal, county, and an incredible volunteer safety force of the city called the Rangers.  There are helpful services for people who need psychological help.  Ice is available for purchase from the city for health reasons, and coffee is available to purchase, I'm not sure why, likely tradition.  It is prudent bring everything you need to survive in that environment physically for the whole week.  Some people don't though, and get by on the kindness and gifts of strangers.

Meh.  I don't like that description at all though.  One of the most important parts I think is the LACK of a society that will say "don't".  You can choose to express yourself in any way that isn't ridiculously harmful to yourself or others.  Even "ridiculously harmful" is subjective.  If you want to put people in a suit and shoot fire at them, it's okay as long as everyone's in consent and you're pretty sure it's safe.  When too many people fell off the giant coyote they put up a sign suggesting they refrain from climbing it, but it is NOT a place where they do overly much to protect you from doing stuff that could get you injured or even possibly killed.  You're responsible for yourownself.

I don't like that description either.  I'm trying to capture the spirit of the thing.  OK.  Cory Doctorow has a book called Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom (free download from the author).  In it is an alternate reality Disneyland in a world with no money.  People work on whatever Disney attraction they are most passionate about because money's not a factor.  Burning Man is a lot like that.  The desert makes it concurrently like a giant game of the reality show Survivor, IF it were a collaborative game instead of a competitive one.

Going out of order: Decompression

  I'd heard that coming back to the "default world" could be tough, but I didn't really believe it.  As if I would go camping for a week and have a hard time adjusting to the life I've had for years.  Actually, I really am having a hard time and I'm starting to be depressed.  It was kind of like someone handed me an amazing Utopian society to live in, and then made me give it back at the end of the week.

We got home at 2am Tuesday, and had to meet my parents at 2pm to get Evy.  I'm Really grateful that they watched her for us AND met us halfway so we didn't have to drive all the way down to Valley Home to get her.  It was still a long few more hours on the road though.  Wednesday I worked from home.  I took two naps and only managed 6 hours of work, all of it whittling down my 1369 unread emails (I still have 120 of those left to look at).  Thursday I jumped in with both feet taking on issues and found out that no one had had time to do very much of my work for the last 6 days, so things were becoming emergencies.  Then at 5pm someone forwards me an EMERGENCY that was dated last Friday. It's too late to do anything now, it will have to wait until morning, so a whole week has gone by with this "holy crap that's a great bloody fuck up" EMERGENCY just sitting there, so I'm kind of freaked out about it.  Then I ran to Target because Evy needed some Raiders clothes for school because it's sports team Friday and we have no team clothes.  I got some bread and cheese intending to duplicate the breakfasts Rebecca Rose Bleu made us on the playa.  Licensed sportswear is expensive.  Also my prescriptions happened to be ready, so more expensiveness than I expected. Then I got home and it was 7pm and Evy needs dinner before her 8 o'clock bedtime.  Also, someone almost backed into Sheldon, the lunch lady is mad at Evy because she can't remember her student ID, and the school called me saying Evy was absent for a period.  Then. I. Burned. The. Fucking. Dinner.  And that's how I ended up crying and shoving a plate of food at Sheldon telling him to "Go eat your nasty-assed burned fucking dinner!"  Evy decided I should have two hugs for the amount of upset that I was and everything was fine soon after.

I can show you where I camped though!  Here is the photo:

So if you go 1/3 the way along the top of the photo from the left, there is a yellow school bus colored container.  It is a dumpster.  There are two little humps against the dumpster.  The forward hump is our tent.

Camp was at 3:00 and Airstrip, which was a great location.  Whenever I was too tired to go anymore I could just sit in the camp living room and watch people and art cars go by.  At night we could watch people playing with the camp's 2 story interactive light wall.

8/28/13

I'm here, and still alive!

It took us 11  hours to get to camp.  We were expecting that, but didn't know what it would be like.  It wasn't too bad.  We drove the speed limit, and were Very careful.  About half the time was getting from our house to gate road, and the other half was waiting in line to get in, and then an excruciating 4 mile drive at 4mph to get to camp proper.

After that we set up camp in the dark and went to sleep.  I saw So many amazing things that night.  The art cars people manage to get out here are amazing.

Once we got Into the tent and settled ,  Sheldon looked at his phone and said there was no phone, data, or wifi.  It's pretty silly, but that was the thing that tripped my anxiety!  All of a sudden I felt very very alone and disconnected.  When we came in I got a sense of the size of this place.  It's gigantic.  It's 4-10 times the size I imagined it to be.  The city of Davis near where I live had about 50,000 people in it when I lived there.  This is bigger.  Going from one end to the other is miles.  I got
agoraphobic and spent a few minutes shivering, but since then I've been fine.

We did spend the first 36 hours close to camp.  We had to move our car way out, and the bathrooms are far enough I have to bike to them, so that's as far as we went.

Last night we took a walk out to the man.  It's actually more impressive from farther away, but we got to climb up into the base and see the city from a bit higher up.  All in all it was pretty neat and we saw a few art installations on the way.

This morning we went visiting.  We biked across the playa to center camp and camp Nosefish to see Howard and Franziska.  Next time we'll bring some cash and get some coffee.

Altaira scored tix for us for the motorized art tour in the morning, that should be awesome.  Tonight we're headed to a Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog Sing Along.

We're camped next to a camp called Playa Skool, which seems to be what people call a plug and play camp.  People pay a lot of money to show up and have their food and housing needs provided.  Last night they had a HUGE club which blasted 94 db of unfortunately generic music .  Sleeping in it was oddly easy.

It's tomorrow, huh.

We're just about to load the car, and I'm still in denial.  By this time tomorrow I should be at Burning Man and will have rung the bell and made the dust angel and all that.  This. Time. Tomorrow.  To quote the classic Fifty Shades of Grey, "Hoe Lee Crap!"

I don't quite know exactly what to expect, so I'm a little scared.  I'm excited, with trepidation.  My only goal really is to experience the thing, and to just be.  It's also the first week since 2005 that I'll be away from BOTH my parental duties and my career duties.   It feels incredibly weird to not have those responsibilities.

I have some thoughts on how my life has already changed this year in getting ready for Burning Man.  It's been transformative.  But, I'll have to leave that for another time if I'm not going to be up all night loading the car.

I am going to try and blog from the playa, but I may not if it doesn't fit into the experience I'm having.

Bye!

Ergh

Finished almost all the shopping tonight.  I'm exhausted.  My feet hurt just from that.  I'm worried by the time we get to the playa I'll be immobile from working so much to get ready.  Then I'm worried I'll be miserable and all this will have been for nothing.  I don't really think I'll be miserable though.  I think it will be an experience. Even if I'm exhausted when I get there and don't explore or anything for a couple days there will be enough time for exploring.  I do not have to cram the whole thing in.  I do not need to worry that I will miss something.  I'll miss a lot of things and that's ok.

Huh, I wrote myself into a better mood.

I also had a noontime appointment with my therapist, in which we decided to talk about the history of the abuse I've had and all that.  I hadn't talked about it in a long time.  I've been out of that situation for nine years now, and the details of what it was like are kind of fading.  I was able to dredge up enough of the pertinent facts for her to get the picture, but it was really oddly like describing what happened to a character in a book I read once.  In any case it was weird.  I think I'd rather have NOT dredged it up enough so that I'm going to carry it to the playa with me.  Maybe I'll see if I can't symbolically leave it there somehow.

I had a bit of a crying jag this evening over something silly and frustrating.  Now I realize though that I guess I probably needed one!

For more hard (but not as hard as today please!) days until we're on the road.

So Much Stuff!

The house is strewn with stuff.  The card table in the living room is full of tools and electrical stuff from putting the solar panel battery charging system together.  There are bags EVERYWHERE.  Ziplock bags full of batteries and toiletries and stuff that's been bought and stuff that needs to be packed.  I'm beginning to doubt that all this stuff is going to fit in the car.  

I think I need to do more about food, and quickly, lest we be eating whatever cans we grabbed out of the backs of the cupboards and bagged snacks.  I'm not going to be into cooking while I'm there though.  Normally I love to cook, but I've never camped anywhere that didn't have water, and that's really daunting to me.  I think I should bake cookies this week.  I wonder if there's any sort of tasty but non-oaty people-chow type cookie I could make that'd be good.  Off to google!

I have shoes!

Boots actually, like army boots, which I've definitely seen worn with dresses...by River on Firefly at least, oh, and also River Song, so it definitely works for people called River.  They were much more expensive than the $10 I usually spend on shoes.  They seem like the kind that you get resoled and wear forever though, and they're VERY comfortable.

I've been really worried about shoes.  I do NOT wear enclosed shoes even in winter.  It doesn't get cold enough here to need them, and as a result my feet feel weirdly hot and claustrophobic in shoes.  I'll be wearing these and breaking them in pretty much every day until Burning Man though, so I guess I'll be getting used to the feeling of 'em.

One more dress arrived too, so I have three dresses, one pair of pants, three pair of bloomers suitable for under dresses, and two pairs of bloomers which are goofy and ruffly.  I meant these to be for under dresses too, but they add a couple inches to my butt and thighs which is the last place I need those inches.  I might wear the bloomers as outerwear instead though if I get brave enough.

I haven't talked about food and exercise in a while.  Everything got so crazy at work I was sometimes grabbing fast food three times a day, no bueno.  Also, exercise would either cut into work or sleep time, so I wasn't doing that either.  I'm going to re-start exercising in the gym at work three times a week.  I definitely notice a significant change after just a week or two and every little bit of stamina I can get is going to help.

Still here!

Hi blog!  I've missed you!  I've been in a work tailspin until today.  Burning Man stuff is coming together!  We've taken delivery on things like goggles and face masks, clothes for me, a bike for Sheldon.  We have a tent!  I'm pleased with the fact it has a hinged door, very fancy!  We have non-moopy insulating material to stick between the rain fly and the tent and twenty strong spring clamps to hold it together.  We have baby wipes, plastic bags, and sunscreen, and a bunch more.

Two things at the forefront of my mind that I haven't gotten yet are shoes and cool weather night clothing.  I have no idea what sort of clothes people wear at night.  I'll have to look at some photos and figure out what I need.  I have no idea about shoes.  I need something that fits and is really comfortable but doesn't look stupid with dresses.  The comfort is most important but I hope I can manage it without looking stupid.

One thing I'm really self conscious about is making newbie mistakes and embarrassing myself, or getting jumped on by people for doing something wrong.  I'm spending a lot of energy worrying about this.  I don't want to be "that couple" who got out there and was unprepared, or couldn't deal.

Yo Bloggiddy! (Did I already do that one?)

August!  OMG freak out.  I have been working when I'm not sleeping.  I have to work today too.  I have a training class in SF Monday and Tuesday.  I'm driving up Sunday for that.  When am I prepping for Burning Man?

My healthy eating has gone out the window and I feel pretty awful!  I need to strive for proper sustenance and at least SOME exercise so I can have enough energy to do what  need to do.  Last night we went out for dinner and I had pho.  That's pretty healthy for a meal out, and cheap too!  I probably could have done without the mocha boba drink, but yum.

Clothes.  I'm afraid Ted's right.  Oh how I hate to admit that, but I dug a tube top dress out of the closet and have been wearing the heck out of it.  Here's the thing:  It's my boobs y'all.  I usually wear very good bras to make them look proportional to my size, but they're actually pretty small, and the opposite of perky.  With this tube dress I always had to wear this complex and frankly slightly rubbery and uncomfortable strapless bra.  I've been wearing it without a bra lately though, and it's really cool and comfortable.  If I get a couple more of them and some bike shorts or bloomers for underneath I should be OK.  Burning Man's an appropriate place to go braless right?

I still have no idea about shoes.  I don't wear closed shoes summer or winter.  I would be much happier of I could wear Birkenstocks (birkies and no bra, sexy! not) and make up some sort of regimen to keep my feet healthy.  I'm thinking I might try this and also bring my regular exercise tennies and socks, in case I fail at keeping my feet happy.  Let me know if y'all think this is a horrifying idea.

Sheldon's designed a dust box for my c-pap machine.  I'm going to let him run with that, because I have too much work!  <3 Sheldon

I Have The Power!

Hi blog!  We sourced and received almost every little thing I need to run my c-pap out in the desert.  I've got a battery, solar panel, charger, inverter, and wire.  It's really hard to find wire!  You'd think Radio Shack would have spools of all sorts, but they only had ready-made cables for TVs and stuff, and some speaker wire.  We finally found wire at the auto parts store, but they only had 10 gauge and I wanted bigger.  The Internet seems to think it will be good enough, but I'll be running the thing for a week at home to make sure.  The only thing I didn't find was a specific connector that goes to the solar panel.  Sheldon's grabbing a set of those off Amazon right now.

I also did all the math and found out that the battery I bought should actually power my c-pap for 57 hours on one charge.  8 hours a night * 7 nights is 56 hours.  That means with the 100W solar panel I'll have plenty of power to spare for charging phones and such, I'll want to run some LED lighting in the tent, and....?  Oh, I should make a quick swamp cooler!  What else awesome can I bring to power?  The inverter's 400W.

I don't think I have time for my art project. :-/  I really wanted to build a hula hoop with total control lighting that could be programmed and then controlled via a remote to speed up or slow down the pattern or change patterns.  That would probably take me $200 I shouldn't spare and a number of hours I don't have.  I'm kind of bummed about that.

Two in a row!

I'm eating a big chunk of watermelon at 11pm for dinner.  Just finished working.  Long days happen when I work from home.  I took a couple hours out of the middle to see a counselor though.  That's going to be interesting.  They'd like to see me up to once a week, but I can't make time or money for that much.  I'm going to try every other week.  Paying fifty bucks to talk to someone for an hour seems weird.

Parts have been delivered.  By this weekend I hope to be able to put together and test a solar setup capable of running my C pap machine all night every night for a week.  We have not sourced the wires or connectors we need though.  If that stuff can be gotten locally I'll definitely be able to test this weekend.  Also on the docket for this weekend is solving the housing crisis (procuring a suitable tent), and starting to take seriously the issues of clothes and food.  Oh, there's a camp meeting I'll be attending via Skype.  

Hello again Margaret

Whew.  Ok, I stopped blogging again.  I'm not doing too good with eating, I'm not doing too good with exercising, and work is...omg work is crazy.  It's like working as fast as possible all day to get stuff done and still having more at the end of the day than I started with.

BUT other stuff is happening.  Most of the parts I need to run my c-pap machine via battery and solar power are on their way here, and we got a bunch of stuff from costco that we're going to need for Burning Man.  We have a list, and we will be spending weekends sourcing and packing from now til then, so I think that'll be ok.

Greg will be happy to know we procured a sturdy bucket and lid.

We decided not to make a hexayurt.  I found some tough reflective sheeting though that I hope to heavy spring clamp onto whatever tent we get in hopes of a darker cooler sleeping spot.  I have not figured out tent or bedding.  I hate sleeping bags, they make me feel claustrophobic. How many comforters would I have to bring in lieu of sleeping bags?  I have a lot of comforters, but they're bulky to pack.

Clothes is proving to be a pain in the ass!  I need to find light cotton pants and stuff.  The only pants I have are work slacks, y'all, and I can't find any that are right in a flowy cotton style.  I have a sewing machine, but I'm kind of shitty at sewing and fabric is expensive too.  Shoes, oh shoes.  I need good shoes but I want pretty shoes.  I need hiking boots but I want go go boots.

On another note, I've got a counseling appointment Thursday.  Please send kind thoughts to the poor intern that gets my business!

Ignorance

Sheldon and I were talking about some Zimmerman trial juror quote and Sheldon said he felt that Trayvon Martin was doomed the moment Zimmerman decided to stalk him.  I said, "Maybe he could have saved himself, maybe he could have called the police... Sheldon interrupted and said, "Sweetie, Black people don't call the police."  I never actually realized that was a thing.  I thought everyone who wasn't a criminal could just call the cops if they needed help.  I feel a little foolish for thinking that way.

The Sun is a harsh mistress.

We went to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom yesterday.  It was pretty fun.  I can't do big rides.  I understand why they're fun and all, but I can't breathe when I'm on them, and feeling like I'm genuinely going to die quashes my fun.  We ran around all day from attraction to attraction.  We ate nasty expensive food but I burned a ton of calories moving myself around all day.

We learned after the first four drinks that it would have been cheaper to get their refillable all day drink pass for $16.   We got the drink pass and still saved money.  It was hot, and cold beverages were amazing.  I think I need to prioritize chilled water for burning man if I can, so we'll have to bring a good cooler of ice for drinks.  It also made me realize that yeah, a camelback will really come in handy.

I meant to use the opportunity to get some more sun in preparation for Burning Man, but I got a moderate sunburn instead.  Even my arms, which I'd thought were pretty well farmer-tanned got burnt. I'm grateful I got burned now so I can while away the burny hours somewhere with AC.  I've learned my lesson.  I won't rely on my melanin to keep me safe at Burning Man.  I'll be researching to find a sunscreen I like to wear.  I've always just got the cheapest kind before and it's always been goopy and slimy and I've hated it.  Perhaps if I venture into the pricer brands I'll find something nicer.  I think I might want to get something specifically for my face too.  Oy, I'm too many years off the farm.

Burning Man skin care is a worthy topic though.  I bought a hat at Six Flags that I like.  I generally hate  wearing hats, so finding one I can get along with is good.  That should help protect my face, neck, and hopefully cleavage.  I have a really funny looking burn line there right now, y'all.  I'll definitely bring different medicated and non-medicated foot creams.  I have some great steroid cream for rashy stuff.  I'll look into what the best body skin stuff there is.  I heard vinegar helps counteract the dust alkalinity on skin.  Just what I want to smell like, old wine.  I'll have to make a kit for skin injuries too.  Oh, I need to remember that bodyglide stuff too.  After the raft ride at Six Flags we walked around in wet clothes for hours and I really wished I'd used some that morning.

11:11

I think I overate, but only a little.  I didn't get much exercise, but I did jump in the teeny pool at lunch and pulled myself around and around by the arms to make a whirlpool for Evy.  I also got a bit of sun.  I know that's not the healthiest, but I've spent a long time working in an office most daylight hours over the past year, and I don't want to go from that to spending a week in the outdoors without getting in a bit of precursory melanin.  I think I'm going to buy that solar panel this weekend, as soon as I see if I have enough spare cash.

Blargh post

About to go to bed super early because I want to be alert tomorrow.  I didn't exercise or eat well today, but whatevs, can't win them all.  I did a bunch of stuff at work today, it made me happy to feel productive instead of like I was trying to get stuff done with my hands tied.  Then at the end of the day they literally took away my toy that was letting me be so productive.  I'll get it back Monday, but tomorrow will be a pain again without it.

I did something for burning man!  I put a 100 watt solar panel in my amazon cart.   I didn't buy it only because I need to make sure I need to spend a couple hundred dollars on one, or if it's completely unnecessary.  Is it the more power the better out there, or will there be so many places to charge my deep cycle battery that I could spend that money better on something else.

Random

Here's a bit of mental health TMI:  Sheldon pointed out today that I don't ever call my ex on his dickish behavior because I'm afraid to make him mad.  I had no clue I was doing that until he pointed it out.

I lost a little weight compared to 2 weeks ago.  Only half of what I'd hoped but it's going in the right direction.

I'm having a love affair with paninis.  I am on the lookout for a panini press to call my very own.

We're going to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom.  That's going to pose an interesting day for dieting, but a good day to practice "walking about in the heat all day" both for exercise and acclimatization.  It also made me wonder about the ethics of keeping dolphins in captivity, especially the "dolphin experience" things where the public gets to paw at them.  On one hand I think it's not the right ethical choice to keep them captive for something so unimportant as a novelty show.  On the other hand, I think they're pretty lucky we don't like to eat them instead.

I wanna play video games

I have a teeny narrow window in which to play video games.  It used to be from 8pm to midnight, now it's more like 10pm-11pm, though I should go to bed closer to 10pm.  I resent not having time.

Other than that things are good.  I didn't exercise today, but I did eat well.  Poor Sheldon got a shock when he ate something too calorie dense for lunch and used up too many Weight Watchers points.  I actually used too many at lunch too, but had a tiny dinner supplemented by a "free" banana.  I resent not having a comfortably full belly too.  I guess I did have one at lunch, but still, waah.

Redux

How many times have I happily stated that I tracked my food and stayed within my points for the first time in a while?  Well I did it again.

Interesting twist though, Sheldon joined Weight Watchers online and is going to do the program with me.  I think that's really nice of him and it will be super helpful, not to mention that losing a bit will be healthier for him as well.  

Hello Again Blog

Mrph.  This week's been nonproductive as far as anything other than work goes, and even that is iffy.  Some of it was fun though!  I got to finally meet Neil Gaiman for a moment last night.  He is just really really NICE.  If we used Whuffie or Karma instead of cash he'd still be wealthy.  The poor guy is willing to be whisked around the world for this signing tour, signing for 1500 people in each spot, and that's AFTER he's pre-signed tens of thousands of his latest book.  He was right at the top of his game during the speaking portion and was just the funniest I've ever heard him.  Then he signed for all of us, and was still signing when we got home to Sacramento (the event was in Santa Rosa).  He was super personable during that part too, and happily doled out handshakes and hugs, and exclaimed over all the little gifts and drawings people brought him.  He seemed genuinely touched that we read Blueberry Girl to Evy at our wedding.  Apparently he got 2 hours of rest after last night's signing before being whisked off to Michigan for another, and then the guy apologized on Twitter because he was late to that one due to the SFO closures.

I'm worried about work.  The boss went on vacation and I said I'd do a BUNCH of stuff this week, but then there was a software release and I spent 3/5 days vetting that instead.  I'm worried he won't care about the vetting part and dwell on the bit in which I didn't get as much done as I said I would.  I wasn't quite worried enough to work this weekend though.  I did about 50 hours total, and you'll read below that the health aspects get cut out first.

I didn't do ANYTHING else that I said I would this week.  Remember how I was going to call about getting some counseling a few weeks ago?  I haven't yet.  I also didn't cook at all, or take breakfast to work, or do anything about Burning Man.  I did exercise, but I mostly forgot to wear my activity monitors during it, so it only counts in my head.

Today I went to Eco Thrift looking for playa wear, but didn't find anything but a couple of shirts suitable for work.  I tried on every pair of size 22 pants I could find (4), but they were all a couple inches too narrow for my gigantic legs while being a couple inches too big for my waist.  There were no skirts or anything, and I couldn't find the fabric at all.  :-/

Blaaaaargh

I don't feel like blogging.  I did walk for 30 min at lunch, braving the 93F heat.  It was bearable.  Later when I left work it was 111F, so I'm glad I walked at midday!  Tomorrow's a holiday!  I really could use Friday off too.

I was mad at work.  I've known for months that I had to go to the city for a 2 day training.  We made special arrangements around Sheldon's night course teaching so I could go, and then today, like three weeks before it happens, they postpone it a week.  Course schedules are published and stuff, Sheldon can't arbitrarily just change them around.  Meh, I'm mostly pissed because I complained and got myself in a spot where I felt I had to explain to the boss that the inconvenience is because I have a kid with disabilities.  I already suspect he's sexist, so I really hate doing anything that calls attention to my femaleness, if that makes any sense. "A mom" is probably even worse to him, and "a mom with extra responsibilities" worse yet.

Tweet Sized Blog...almost

Worked all day, until now.  In fact I'm typing on my work computer still because I'm about to log off.   Ate properly...until that loaf of french bread I ate half of for dinner.  Swore to exercise at 7am, slept.  Decided to exercise in the house in the evening instead, worked late.  Now today's exercise is moved to Saturday (because I already have exercise plans for tomorrow and Friday).  Could have been worse, could have been better.

<==3

Tonight I found this really heartening endorsement for an engineering toy geared towards little girls.  It made me think of my own upbringing and the results of it.



I grew up on a small farm, but we didn't work it really.  My dad was a firefighter, and then a wheelwright/horse drawn vehicle builder/fixer/restorer.  He had a workshop and I was allowed to use the hand tools.  Because Dad was a firefighter and my ma was sickly I also learned how to do a lot of rural homeowner stuff pretty early.  I could fix fences, flip breakers, irrigate fields, fix the toilet and build a fire to keep the house warm.  My mom knew how to do all that stuff too, so I didn't think of it as "man stuff" though I did observe that Mom only did some things if Dad wasn't there to do them, and vice versa with cooking and laundry and such.  I was aware that there were usual roles, but that they weren't really important.  My parents didn't care that I didn't like dolls or playing house, and they liked me playing outside.  We lived far enough away from toy stores that I didn't know there were pink aisles.

At the same time I still noticed gender bias.  Dad never asked me to help him or work with him out in the shop, and never did teach me to use the power tools.  No one jumped all over themselves to teach me to drive like they did when my cousin Jason turned 16.  It was pretty minor.  As I grew up I found out more, like that there weren't many women in my physics classes, and even more annoying things like people asking to talk to someone in the IT department when I, as the head of the IT department, answered a call.  Most annoying is when I try and do technical or mechanical things with men, and they steamroll me and take over, and all I get to do is strip wires and fetch wrenches.  I've gotten a bit defensive about it to the point of keeping my own tools and not letting anyone use them, and not letting men (Sheldon in this case, though he hasn't done anything wrong!) work on MY projects with me.

This only relates loosely to burning man because I want to do a "mine all mine" electronics project, but I need to hurry!  I'm not sure if I had any other point.

Good news though, you've been saved from hearing about my ridiculous day at work, or the dangerous heat wave, or that I stayed within my points today but I didn't exercise.  I don't have a weigh in this week due to the holiday, so I'm going to try and have a nicely impressive loss by next week.  It won't take much more than I'm doing now to get it I don't think.

Sleeping

Evy and I did go for a morning bike ride this morning.  It was a bit later than I intended.  We went out at 10am and it was 90 degrees already.  We just went out about four blocks and back.  That was about all Evy could take at this point pedaling her big trike, it was her first ride on a road, and it was just really wiltingly hot.  We spent some time in someones sprinklers at the halfway point.

When we got back Sheldon had a client so Evy and I retreated upstairs with our respective apple devices.  I browsed a while and then proceeded to sleep for SIX hours, right through to the evening.  I even convinced Sheldon to sleep through part of the afternoon.

Not getting enough sleep and not sleeping well has been a HUGE deal for me for about the past, hmm, 9 years but I even got MORE problems with it in the past few.  Here are all the things that can mess up my sleep:

• I have hypothyroidism, which causes me to need/crave more sleep.

• I often have a hard time getting to sleep.  I can be very tired, but I always seem to be wide awake at the time I should go to sleep.  I'm often wakeful after I lie down, and have a hard time getting comfortable.

• I have sleep apnea, so I have to wear a c-pap mask.  It's pretty comfortable and I'm used to it, but sleeping in a mask with a long hose attached is really not as nice as just sleeping "naked."

• I probably have a bit of PTSD type stuff going on still.  I have nightmares often.  I think I probably have them every night, but thankfully I remember just a few dreams a week.  Dream after dream of being chased, hunted, stalked, threatened, and ones where I somehow have to go back to my former life.  I really don't think it's restful.

• Once in a while I get uh, like stuck half asleep but paralyzed.  It's an AWFUL feeling.  It's probably something to do with PTSD or anxiety.

What's saved me is that I don't have any problem *staying* asleep or with falling back asleep if I wake up.  It's only the initial starting to sleep that's tricky.  Exercise seems to help too, so exercising more should have a positive effect on my sleeping.  Losing enough weight to get off my c-pap would be an ultimate goal.

Whew!

This has been a LONG week.  I have a LOT to do at work, and I didn't get as much done as I wanted.  I have a plan for what I'm going to do next week.  I'm also on standby jury duty next week, so that might be a problem.  Thanks to Sheldon looking it up just now I already know I'm free until Tuesday morning at least.

I got a fairly good amount of exercising in by getting up earlier and doing it then.  I aim to continue doing that tomorrow by taking Evy bike riding.  I've only done like C- work as far as nutrition.  I think I may have justified overeating because I felt like I earned it by exercising!  I need to curb that next week and try to be a bit better with the intake and I'll be golden.  I think I can keep doing the getting up earlier to exercise.  I'm going to set a goal of 3 times a week and hope for five.

Tomorrow one goal of mine is to research and possibly buy the parts I'll need to build the electronic stuff I need for Burning Man.  I'll start with the stuff I must have, so the stuff to make my c-pap machine go.  I do hope though to actually be able to generate a little extra power, enough to charge phones and power some LED lights maybe, nothing fancy.   I'll do some of my own research on hexayurts too, and help Sheldon decide if we should do that or seek a tent and shade structure.  

Almost forgot again!

Today was really nice.  I don't think one unpleasant thing happened all day.  I ate a bit too much lunch, but I skipped dinner.  My downfall was these two giant Arizona creame sodas I had.  Sugar overload.  Tomorrow I'm up early to exercise again, so I'm off to bed.  G'night Inkernets.

Oh crap, I forgot to write a blog post today.

Hi blog.  So today was the first money-day weigh in for the rewards program at my work.  I missed getting the cash (which I think was only $15) by one pound.  It kind of sucked, because 4 weeks ago I pledged to lose a pound a week for 4 weeks which isn't that much.  It just so happened that on the first weigh-in of the period I was a little dehydrated or something, because it was 3 pounds lower than I was expecting.  Those 3 pounds showed back up the following week, giving me 3 weeks to lose what was now a total of 7 pounds.  It was very discouraging and in the end I managed to lose 6 pounds in three weeks, leaving one short of my goal.  That's how I lost six pounds in three weeks, yet failed to win a game where I only had to lose 4 pounds in 4 weeks.

Went for a walk this morning!  I like walking.

After that I forgot I was writing and shut down my machine.  Thanks to blogger for saving this draft!

The Opposite of the Opposite

The short of it, I got quite a bit more activity than usual, but didn't eat super well.  I didn't add up the points yet, it's probably only borderline not well.  Other than that I've been riveted to this Texas filibuster:  http://www.texastribune.org/session/831/live/ (the feed on the right).

Work was better, I didn't get as much new done as I wanted, but a lot of the things I was in the middle of yesterday came to a satisfying and easy conclusion.  My friend that's helping me with fitness came over and helped me do some strengtheningish stretching exercises.  That felt good.  It was really early in the morning.  That felt bad until I'd had sufficient caffeine.  Bed very soon.

This evening I rode my bike around the neighborhood.  This is really funny, but this is definitely the hilliest area I've ever lived in.  I didn't even notice it was this hilly until this evening.  So my bike riding was mostly because I didn't want to go out with my friend later this week and still be at the beginning stage of learning how to ride again!  I can pretty much turn OK now, but I don't feel stable enough to take a hand off the handlebars to shift!  So I'm stuck in kind of a hard gear.  I only had to walk up one hill though, and that's because there was a stop sign at the very bottom of it so I couldn't get any momentum to get up.  I may have run a few stop signs after that to avoid walking up again.  That's when I realized I couldn't look over my shoulder very well, so I was terrified there was going to be a cop right behind me when I ran a four way stop that was obviously empty except for me kind of thing.  I wondered about how much the ticket for that would be.  Resolve to figure out one handed handlebars so I can shift...or possibly obtain a rear view mirror.

And then I Did the Opposite

So this morning at 7am, I crawled back into bed and refused to get up, and I shouted things like, "Tooooo tired!" and "I dun wanna!"  It wasn't my proudest moment.  Likewise at work, I intended to walk around the campus twice at lunchtime, but everything took FOREVER.  I barely had time to grab food and bring it back to my desk.  Then I worked kind of late, and I swear it was one of those days where I worked all day and didn't actually even start on the things I *intended* to get done today.
Now it's bedtime and I haven't done any meaningful exercise.  Oddly though, I'm 10 points under goal as far as food.  *shrugs*  Also, I didn't do any Burning Man prep, so meh.  One thing I did do though is look into counseling, which is probably something I've been needing to do for at least 20 years or more, and never have actually gotten around to.  Pity the poor intern or whomever gets me as a client!

Oof

Ok, so I actually did well whatever day I last posted, but after that I just stopped tracking again.  I KNOW if I track I do well and if I don't track I eat badly, but at least I didn't gain any weight at all.  It looks like it's going to be a fight all the way down, stupid fat.

So now it's getting awfully close to burning man time, so I'm going to focus on getting more fit and increasing my stamina so I can have a good time there, and also for sourcing the stuff we need to take and gathering it, plus building some things.  I'm going to try and "be good" about eating, but I'm not going to spend a lot of time obsessing over it.  If I'm not gaining now, and add a bunch more activity, that could also tip the scale downward which is a bonus.

I've agreed to get up at what is for me an ungodly hour, and do something about moving.  I feel oddly relaxed about it.

Discouraging!

I've been being careful to stay within my points all week, and I even counted the heavy food I had in San Francisco Saturday, all definitely within my points.  I accidentally put my weight watchers activity monitor into assessment mode, so I didn't get ANY activity points this week, so I had none to "eat" despite being plenty active.  Yesterday when I got on the scale I was 5 pounds UP from last week, and today at weigh-in I was up 2.5 pounds from last week.  I know it's just me retaining water and stuff, and perhaps I was a bit dehydrated last week when I weighed in.  It's still discouraging though to see anti-results when I worked so hard this week.

I'm not sure what it does to the health rewards payment program either.  If I said I'd lose a pound a week for 12 weeks and I fork up the very first week, I don't know if that means I'm "out."  Probably not for the whole series, but maybe for this month.  Poop.

Right now I'm struggling to not get a candy bar.  I want to save my points for dinner but I've got a bunch of dollar bills in my wallet and the evil vending machine is right over there...  I'm not going to, but I really want to as a way to get revenge.  "I didn't lose any weight, so I'm going to eat this effing candy bar, that'll show 'em."  Show who?  I know, it's absolute nonsense and totally self defeating, but I still feel that way. 

I don't feel hungry right now, but I feel kind of empty, and it feels like food will fill me up, even though it won't.

Proud of my Kid

We took Evy to San Francisco for the day, and she was very good!  She has some social problems which include her not dealing well with crowds.  Too many people pushed in too close tends to make her irritable and angry.  For the last year we've been avoiding crowded places with her completely.  She was good on a trip to Santa Cruz a few weeks ago though, so Sheldon thought San Francisco might be fun.  We decided to have lunch with Daigan and then head to Pier 39 to see the sea lions and then do whatever seemed fun around there.

She did pretty good at lunch, and she didn't complain at all when we had to park a few blocks away from Pier 39 and walk.  She has flat feet and kind of poor coordination as well, so she does NOT like to walk very far normally.  She stood right in the middle of everyone and watched the sea lions for a LONG time, and didn't get mad or shove when she was jostled.  I didn't mind watching them either, they're really entertaining.  She spoke very politely and appropriately with the naturalist that was there too.

After that we went into the interior of Pier 39 and she was in awe of all the gift shops.  The gift shop is pretty much her favorite part of any outing, but she didn't get upset that we couldn't go in all of them.  We went to the back and looked at Alcatraz and talked about it, and she was a lot more interested than I thought she'd be about seeing an old building way out on an island.

Then we decided to go to the aquarium and she was very patient and interested in looking at all the fish.   She asked good questions too, and finally I did let her get a few things from the gift shop, including a sea lion stuffy she promptly named Happy.  She also got a little monocular thing, and wanted to go all the way back to the back to see Alcatraz again.  We wearily trudged after her so she could look, and we all agreed our feet hurt a LOT on the way back to the car.

On the way home we got dinner at The Dead Fish in Crockett.  It felt SO good to sit and eat a hot meal after all that walking around.  It's kind of swank-ish, nothing for kids to do, but she sat nicely and made conversation, and actually turned down my offer of my iPhone to entertain her while we waited for our food.  After dinner she fell asleep on Happy while we waited for the check.

She'll graduate from 5th grade Tuesday.  She's a little worried about moving to Jr. High, but I'm optimistic.  Days like Saturday make me pretty hopeful!

In other news, I CAN ride my bike now.  I went out and stuck Evy's Hanna Montana helmet on, told myself that I didn't want any more farting around about it and to get my ass up on the seat and pedal.  Then I did just that and pedaled up and down the driveway and across the street and such.  I'm having a teeny bit of trouble making tight turns, but otherwise I think I can go out on a bike path soon.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The good:  My fitbit says I've been walking about 2.5 miles a day!

The bad:  That's really only 5000 steps, half the arbitrary recommended 10,000.

The good:  My bike is finally done and it's awesome!

The bad:  I um, apparently have forgotten how to ride a bike.  I mean it's been 10 years, but I didn't think you could forget things like that!  It's awful.  I'm so disappointed.  I'm going to have to practice a lot before I'll be able to go anywhere meaningful on it.

The good:  It's Friday and we're all going to the City tomorrow!

The bad:  I've been working so late I haven't done laundry and don't have anything awesome to wear.  Also, I really need my nails attended to, they look trashy (-ier than usual).  I am dying my hair though, I'm not a TOTAL bumpkin.

The good:  I had 8 points left after dinner so I got to have a slurpee for a treat!

The bad:  I really can't see a downside to this, except I'm kind of sticky now.

change up:

The bad:  I really don't think I'll be off my cpap machine for burning man.

The good:  I learned how to make it work!  I'll need to make a dust box for it (Tupperware and furnace filter sort) and I saw a way at Maker Faire to put together a solar charger for a deep cycle battery.    I can also use the battery to power a swamp cooler I want to make from a 5 gallon bucket.

The bad:  I think that will eat up any money I was planning on using to build an art project.  Perhaps I will be an art consumer rather than an artist this year.

I can't think of anything ugly to post, and that's good!

Zzz!

I haven't slept well for the last couple nights.  I think I will tonight though.  I'm heading to bed right after I post.  

It's been a good day though.  I weighed in and I'm down 4.8 pounds.  Plus, my company just started a program where not only is the Weight Watchers program free, but they're going to start PAYING us to lose weight.  I'm getting $200 just to sign up (minus the 42% tax rate for bonuses, but hey, free money!)  I've pledged to lose 1 pound or more per week for the next month, and then I get some amount more money at the end of the program, which is some number of weeks, 12 I think.  It's variable due to prize drawings I get into by showing up for Weight Watchers meetings, and I didn't pay much attention beyond it should be some few hundreds.  It's definitely significant enough for motivation!  Oh, I won a fitbit zip at work too, which is compatible with my walkadoo program at work and much better than the pebble I was using to track steps.

I stayed within my points today and had awesome food.  They had veggie paninis at the cafeteria, and I made a really yummy chicken mole dish for supper, and then baked s'more stuffed bananas.  For purposeful movement I walked around the buildings twice, getting just over 6000 steps and making my 2 activity point a day goal.

Bed now, soooper tired.

Are long weekends even worth it?

There's always double work upon returning!  Also, working at home has pros and cons, the cons being that it's super easy to work until late into the night, which I just did.  I literally got out of bed, came to the computer, worked until it was time to get Evy, went and picked up a replacement goldfish for one that died last week, fed us, showered us, put her to bed, and sat back down to work.

I stayed within my points though!  Even if it was stuff like toast and lean pockets.  I just remembered my commitment to doing some sort of purposeful exercise every day, so I jumped up and did nekkid hula hooping for like two minutes in the living room.  It didn't work out too well because the hoop kept hitting things and I had to hold my boobs up so I didn't run over them with the hoop.  I'm sure it would have been hilarious had anyone been there to see.  In any case, it counts!

I'm not going to jinx it by saying I'm going to leave work at 5 tomorrow, because that always guarantees that I don't leave until at least 6, but I'm going to try and factor in some time for myownself.

Multitasking

I'm writing tonight while watching a replay of an official Burning Man newbie orientation.  It's available here.  The sound gets a little better.  I knew a bunch a bunch of the material already, but I probably learned at least 5 tips that will be invaluable.  Sheldon's online looking at tents and stuff, but when he clicked on a foldable yurt that stays cool enough to sleep until 11 am and can be built for around $200, I was in love.  I want to see if that will be a feasible thing to build and haul out there.

For Mother's day Sheldon refurbished the junked up bike I got for Christmas in 7th grade.  He painted it candy apple red and magenta, and replaced a bajillion bits of it.  It should be ready this week, and I'm super excited about it.  I'll be taking it to the playa, but before that I'm going to ride it a LOT.

As far as an art contribution, I'd wanted to make an LED cube, but when I looked at the parts for what I wanted to do it was over $500!  Plus, it really didn't seem that interesting, so I'm back to the drawing board.  I have an idea forming for a harp like thing...my little midsized keyboard is in peril!

I'm wondering also about something to give as a gift.  I think we're going to be tight on space, so small is key.  Something useful would be neat too, rather than just a gee gaw.  Hmm...

In diet news, I stayed within my points today.   We had to drive down to Oakdale to get Evy, a four hour round trip, but we stopped at a fruit stand and got cherries and really gorgeous strawberries to munch.  I had enough points left this evening to have a homemade cheeseburger on a ciabatta roll, mmmm.   I didn't get to be really active, but I did hula hoop for a few minutes, so I made my activity goal.

Aaaaand I'm back

That last thing back there on April 3 was a false start it seems.  I never really started tracking or anything.  I don't quite know why, and it doesn't really matter.  TODAY I did track my food.  I messed up a little at dinner because I ate too much naan at the Indian restaurant, but all it did is dig a little into my weekly points budget, not a problem.

I've been using my activity trackers all along, but that's because it's easy.  I haven't gone out of my way to work out since then except maybe twice.  I have been being mindful about trying to seek out activities that involve a lot of walking around.  I got 12 activity points the day I went to Maker Faire, and 10 the day I helped Sheldon with his photo safari class.  I was limping back to the car the night of Maker Faire!  One 90 degree day I went out and brushed horses with Evy, and I made myself sick within 20 minutes moving around in the sun.  It's obvious I need to step it up or else I'll be miserable at Burning Man.  I've gotten so out of shape again that this week my goal is nothing more than "do something that is "moving on purpose" every day.  It doesn't matter what or how long because goals should be reasonably attainable and not suck!  Today moving on purpose consisted of hula hooping as long as I could (maybe 3-5 minutes) three separate times.

Today I sat down for a couple hours and meal planned two weeks worth of dinners.  Dinners are my downfall right now.  I'm TIRED when I get home from work and anything sounds like a good excuse to grab take out or heat up a pizza rather than cook.  Not having a required ingredient was a great excuse.  Nothing that I could throw together in the house that was healthy sounded good either, as it would usually be something like a bit of baked chicken breast, white rice, and frozen vegetables.  So I chose 10 dinners that were both healthy AND looked like something I'd actually enjoy eating and I went out and bought all the ingredients at once.  So instead of something blah I'll be making things like tomato beef ragu with ricotta and mint, or soy and honey glazed tofu and vegetable skewers.  I'm looking forward to cooking and eating it all up in the next couple weeks.

Ooh, also a friend of mine is helping me out, and we talked for an hour or more yesterday about goals and what they should be and HOW the heck to start going towards them instead of just floundering around.  We also talked about headspace stuff like self worth and image and the like, all things I REALLY need to examine more.  I got action items!  I'm not ashamed to say blogging is one of them, as well as making the meal plan, tracking and moving.  I think that as tending toward s on the D/s spectrum, I'm feeling a bit overly gleeful about having specific tasks to complete!  I'm actually kind of torn between the hard way of thinking "This is something I'm doing for myself to reach my goals, and that pleases me."  and the much easier (in my convoluted brain), "Ooh, I'm going to do these action items and I'm going to do them absolutely flawlessly, and everyone will see how perfectly I can do these tasks, and my friend will be SO pleased, and pleasing my friend makes me happy!"

How's that for a stream of consciousness blog entry?  I'll talk about Burning Man stuff tomorrow maybe.

Not Doing Well at All!

Hi!  The last few weeks have been so rough.  Work got more interesting, but also quite a bit harder and extremely frustrating.  Sheldon started pretty much working full time between all his thousand jobs.  We're trying to implement a "no screen from 6pm to 8pm" policy in the house to make more family time and to keep Evy from doing nothing but watching.  It's spring, so weekends are absolutely packed with fun things to do, and also a few obligatory things.  In all this most of my exercising and all of my dieting has gone out the window.  I don't know how many weeks it's been since we've been grocery shopping.  This morning for breakfast I literally had half a chicken burrito and a handful of Easter candy.  I realize it's Wednesday and I didn't bring my gym clothes to work either.  It's also weigh in day, and I'm sure I've gained again this week.

So basically I need to get back on the wagon, like, um, now.  Didn't I say something about getting back on the wagon in the last post?  Well I think I got run over by it instead.  It's a good bit like addiction.  I have to take each meal as it comes.  I may as well start now.  I'll be getting the 7 point pasta primavera bowl for lunch, even though I really want the chicken pesto sandwich!  Hold me to that OK?  It sucks because any time between now and lunch I could cave and talk myself into that yummy chicken sandwich instead.  In some ways it's even worse than addiction, because I can NOT remove myself from food.  When I quit smoking it was REALLY hard, but I was able to remove myself from situations where I would want to smoke.  Trying to eat correctly is like quitting smoking with a pack of ciggs and a lighter in my purse, and someone asking me to go have a smoke with them three times a day.

So, Burning Man news now, eh?  We have a place to camp, I think.  Well, I'm pretty sure.  I asked a friend if it was possible to camp with them, and he said yes and put us on their google group.  The trouble is I'm unclear who actually has a say in who can and can't camp with the group, so I'm worried there is some big conversation about it going on behind our backs about why we were let in, and maybe there's not enough room, or they think we're clueless or annoying and would rather us go elsewhere.  Inside my head is an awful place to be sometimes, I'm pretty sure everything is just fine...logically.

I did NOT get my bicycle fixed before March 31.  I did stop at the local bike store yesterday for a part I need, but they close at 6 and it was 6:05.

I'm now planning to also build something lighty and electronic.  I think it will be an LED cube.  That's within my ability.  I just hope it's within my time!  I keep meaning to research this in the couple hours of leisure time I have in the evenings, but by that time I'm pretty scattered and just end up chatting with friends and browsing facecrack.

I've also been thinking about clothes.  There are some playa-wear pinterest boards, but they are for small people.  It will be very hard to buy the things I need while retaining a proper playa style.  I want to be well equipped and also not lame and dorky!

Why does Blogger say the word "playa" is spelled wrong?  I'm quite sure it's a word!

Why the heck is your name Beauty?

Ok, so here's the post that I got stuck writing and stopped blogging for a month.  Here's the funny thing, when I opened up the draft to work on it, I hadn't even gotten one sentence in, not even one word had been written.  I remembered having written a couple paragraphs, but I think I erased them because it was going off on a tangent I didn't intend.

Oops, there, I did it again.  It's been a few more days since I wrote that first paragraph.  I am generally known as the queen sized queen of the overshare, but beauty is something I don't know how to write about.

Ok, well here's the easy part:  My blogger name is Beauty because a guy, a friend, named me that.  I met him on a neat Callahan's Cross-time Saloon forum, in which the people tried to recreate the atmosphere of the bar in Spider Robinson's books.  It's still around.  You could find it if you looked.  Anyway, that was seven years or so ago.

I registered for this blogger (or whatever it was called then) account around that time.  The name Beauty makes me cringe.  It's not "me" in the least.  Most of the time I don't dwell on it.  I might be able to change it.  I've honestly never tried.  For complicated reasons, I wouldn't dream of changing the name my friend gave me.

Just a wee bit later, I rolled the name into an anonymous sex blog with protagonists Beauty and The Beast.  It wasn't as corny as it sounds.  I made that private when I decided to use the account for this blog though.

Ever since I started the blog I've felt the need to explain why my blogger name is Beauty when it's so unlike "me."  I know, I've said that twice.  I'm not quite sure what I mean either.  So in order to research this I asked Ken (my friend) why he named me Beauty way back then.  He told me that he named me that on purpose because he thought I was beautiful and he knew I didn't think so, and perhaps if I saw it enough times I'd believe it.  I think that was nice of him, but I still don't believe it.  :-)

Hello Blog!

Hi!  This is why I don't make blogs.  I abandon them after a few posts.  Between work and home and Sheldon's work and Evy, I pretty much end up letting noncritical things fall off my plate pretty much constantly.

I also have a post about beauty that I'm stuck on.  I never was able to finish it (tough subject!), and ended up losing all my bloggy momentum.  I'll finish it someday.

So I've been doing ok.  I've lost a total of 21 lbs, most of them two or three times.  It's really hard for me to not fall off the wagon.  I haven't counted points since Thursday.  I'm starting again tomorrow, and hope I will at least not have gained any this week.  I'm vowing to walk 5 times and work out three times this week as well.  Now that I said it I have to do it right?  Right?  I need to stay serious if I'm going to lose the other 20-40 I need to to be happy, healthy, and comfortable at Burning Man.

One thing I want to do is get my bike in working order.  I think there's a long bike trail in the area that would be fun to ride on.  All I need to fix it is some of that vinyl tubing that goes over the brake cable, and then I'd have to monkey with it to get the gears in proper working order.  I've never done a bike tune up myself, but I'm pretty sure that between me and google I can do it.  I think I'll make that a goal for hmm, I'll aim high and say by the end of this month.  I don't want all this pretty weather to go to waste!

I'm Straight!

I'm not proclaiming my sexual orientation, that's a bit more complicated.  I'm proclaiming my posture.  Before I started exercising I was noticing and lamenting that I was getting a slight hunchback.  My neck has almost always stuck out forward from reading too much as a kid, but I was getting a hump, like a camel or something.  If I stood with my back against a wall I almost couldn't make my head touch the wall.

Now after a few weeks of exercising that hump is almost completely gone.  My back is straight and I can easily put my back to a wall and touch my head to it.  I think my core was so weak that my front was pulling my spine forward or something.

Also, my boobs precede me when I walk instead of my tummy, probably as a result of the straightening.  Unfortunately, my boobs aren't filling my bra now either.  I'm afraid I'm going to be the only gigantic girl with a B cup in existence.  Lane Bryant barely even carries 42B.  By the time I lose all the weight I think I'll have to roll them up, such will be the status of my udders. 

Tickets!

Wow, that was easy, or I was lucky, or I did my research and did it right, or something.  I got tickets to Burning Man within 20 minutes of queuing.  Seven hundred something dollars for the pair, but I tried not to look.

So we're (me and my husband) are going!  Now All I have to do is...everything!  Now I have to start sourcing camping stuff appropriate to the nasty harsh environment there.  I'd love to build a little swamp cooler.  I'm really not fond of extreme heat, and I'm guessing that sleeping will happen in the hottest bits.  I also need clothes, and lots of plastic bins, and a car capable of holding all of it and getting there! Our car should be fixed soon even if we don't have a new one, but I'm concerned about getting everything in it for a week's worth of survival.  It's just a Honda Civic, and when we camp for just 4 days at a place with running water and showers it's stuffed full!  I'll have to do some downsizing and arranging.

I got tickets though!  This is going to happen.

Tickets?

11:57...nervous, how many hours will I have to sit here clicking?  Perhaps I should have eaten breakfast.  Trying to get tickets in three minutes.

Down Wit Da Sickness

Meh, everyone's been getting sick around here, but I just got fairly mild cold.  I felt it coming on Friday afternoon and resolved to sleep a lot, take vitamin C, and stay in the warm house all weekend.  I did that, plus worked from home Monday to make sure I was past the contagious stage, and today I feel a lot better!  I still have something that may be an ear infection plus some lingering bronchial and sinus issue, but I think the worst is over.

My diet went totally out the window for the last 4 days though!  I ate all sorts of stuff and I'm not sure why.  I may have been looking for something to make me feel better, or maybe I was using it as an excuse to eat badly?  I had a lot of won ton soup which wasn't too bad, but I also had an In N Out burger, and some junk food from 7-11, including a favorite sore throat sick drink, Slurpees.

I didn't track my food at all the last 4 days either.  I got an "OMG what happened?" automatic email from weight watchers for it too, encouraging me to not be discouraged and start tracking again.

I'm back on the wagon today though!  It's nice and warm enough that I think I'll do my walking today too.  I see a chicken sandwich for 9 points at the cafeteria, I'll probably have that for lunch. 

I'm REALLY glad I'm going to miss my weigh-in tomorrow.  It's Burning Man ticket day, and I have the day off to try and get a couple!  Hopefully by next week I can erase whatever this little mishap did to the scale.

Happy Post (except for that kitten)

Wow, way to be all bummed and leave you hanging.  Sorry about that.  Right after I wrote that I went off to exercise, and there was someone in the gym I knew.  We chatted while we worked out and afterwards I felt much happier.  Then I thought about it and realized I've been feeling happy and content after working out in general.  I think that's a good bonus, and something to look forward to when I get the "I don't wanna"s.

I sure hope this time I can get my new exercise habit to stick.  This is the second time that I've started to like exercising a little.  The first time I was doing really well and then we had to move, then I changed jobs to one with a two hour commute each way, then we got married, and then we moved again, all in six months.  I tried to keep going to the gym but it was just too hard to keep a decent schedule so I went less and less and quit the gym membership with the last move a year ago.

I've lost 3.6 pounds since last week.  I feel so much better after a bigger loss.  It feels like all my work and deprivation did something.  When I lose a pound in a week it's like, I've lost a newborn kitten's worth of flesh, big deal.  If I lose 3.6 pounds in a week, that's like...um, what's 3.6 pounds....uh, three point six kittens worth of flesh!  Aw, now I feel sorry for that 6/10 of a kitten.

Also, to prove that this is not just a diet blog:  We registered to get Burning Man tickets today!  I have next Wednesday off.  Yeah, I might have just tried to get tickets from work, but I might get too busy to keep hitting refresh or whatever you have to do.  Plus, I haven't taken a vacation day off since early September, so I think it's OK.

The Fattest Girl In The Room

It's hard always looking around and noticing I'm the fattest girl in the room.  I'm the fattest girl by 100 pounds in my Zumba class, the fattest one in my department at work, probably on my whole floor.  I'm the fattest girl in the gym, the fattest out of all my friends, and the fattest girl in my family.  Even when I look through the Weight Watcher's success stories I can't find anyone that's lost as much weight as I need to lose. 

It kind of sucks; it's hard on the self esteem.  I don't eat much more than many people I know, and I don't exercise much less, but I'm the fat one.  My poor daughter's growing up the same way, and I know it will be hard for her too, just as it was for my mother.  Knowing I'd do very well in a famine doesn't help much when I throw away more uneaten food and leftovers from my fridge each week than many people get to eat.  Knowing that the only people who truly find my body beautiful are fetishists doesn't help much either (though I'm grateful for those of you who might be reading!).

It's been a hard week after last week.  I've been staying within my points allowance but I keep getting discouraged, and having tiny binges and then having to eat vegetables with vinegar for supper because I'm out of points for the day.  Yesterday and today I didn't walk at lunch.  I was too busy yesterday with work and today I went to Target at lunch instead.  I have kept up my MWF gym work though.  I'm going there now.  I've also increased the gym time a bit from 20-30 minutes on WF, and doing the hour of Zumba on Monday, so that's one positive thing at least I've done this week.

Just Keep Swimming

So I've just weighed-in and I lost 1.8 lbs this week.  That's awesome and very appropriate and great and wonderful but I'm still disappointed.  (Aside: Oh lovely, I've just realized Blogger hasn't been spellchecking automatically all this time, so the previous posts are probably full of typos.)  I only lost .7 lbs last week, and I tried REALLY hard this week.  I worked the Weight Watchers program perfectly, and I'd earned 33 activity points last week that I didn't even use (activity points can be traded for more food).  Usually when my loss has been small the week before and I work really hard I get a couple pounds loss PLUS extra for catching up from being "good" the previous week and not losing much.

I know I'm doing good though, and I know it's not about a number on the scale, and I know my damned pants are all falling down so I'm probably losing fat and gaining muscle.  I'm still worried though that at this rate I won't make 250 before Burning Man and I won't be able to go (even though my linear regression now says I should be 245 by then, weight loss isn't linear, so it's a rough estimate).

So basically I'm doing ok but I was hoping for better than average, so I'm disgruntled.  It's a lot more fun to work hard and do really well!  For now my philosophy will be to just keep swimming (metaphorically because I don't have access to a pool).

That's Gonna Leave a Mark

So I've been exercising a whole bunch more than usual, but it's really not a *whole* lot.  It's a 20 min walk every day, which is pretty minor, and 20 minutes of actual aerobic exercise 3 times a week.  Today Zumba started at work though, a full 60 minutes of jumping around.  I love Zumba, but I didn't know if I'd be able to make it the whole hour.  I suited up with trepidation and hoped for a dance sort of instructor rather than a drill instructor/super athlete type.

The instructor I got was in between, which is pretty much the best sort.  That way I don't feel too entirely graceless (like with the sensual dance guy), and I didn't have to feel like I had no hope of being able to follow the instructor (like miss I'm a competitive cheerleader in my spare time).  It was pretty quick dancing though!  For my first time in over a year of Zumba I think I did pretty good.  I did have to modify some moves.  I never jump off the ground because I am heavy and I value my knees.  Also, when doing moves that involve torquing around so that there would be sideways pressure on my knees I modify it so I step into the position rather than "twirl" there...if that makes sense.  The good thing is that I made it the whole 60 minutes!

I could tell as soon as I got home that I'm going to be sore tomorrow.  I think it'll be ok though.

Yeesh, so far this blog is like a diet blog.  I'm not trying to plan too much about Burning Man yet until I know I have a ticket.  Hopefully that will be February 13.  I'm nervous about possibly not getting tickets.

What a difference a week makes?

I have to admit I'm feeling exceptionally well.  I've moved a lot more in the last couple weeks than I previously did, and almost all the food I've been eating is healthy.  I've also been trying to get at least a couple cups a day of vegetables, with a focus on things that are dark green and leafy.

So last week I blogged that I hated exercise because it was moving for moving's sake.  Today when I got done driving for two hours to pick up Evy I turned on a dance video game (Just Dance 3 for Kinect) because I thought jumping around for a while would be fun.  It was fun.

Small Victories

Today was the first day I successfully didn't buy a diet soda.  I made soda water at home and put lime juice in it, and I bought pomegranate green tea.  Now I'm having some more soda water with lime juice.        

I was extra hungry for some reason all day today, but I stayed within my points.  Sheldon helped by making a yummy mushroom, onion, and bok choy stir fry for dinner.

Yesterday was weigh-in day and I only lost .7 lbs.  That's half of what I was guessing would be an average loss last week.  I'm not worried though, my weight can go up or down by up to 7 pounds weekly for no good reason at all.

So, all positive news in little bits.

I look funny right now, bleaching my hair.   I tried to get a pic but the light's not flattering and I have bags under my eyes so you don't get one.

Exercise is a Pain in the Ass

If this blog post were about muscle soreness that title would be awesome.  It's not though.  For me, finding TIME to exercise is a pain.  Then even when I make time it's hard to make myself do it because...well because I'd rather be doing fun stuff, or eating, or napping, or pretty much anything but making my body move for nothing but its own sake.  Now though, I promised myself I'd work out on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for at least 20 minutes and also walk 20-30 minutes at lunchtime on each weekday.

The lunchtime walking isn't that hard.  I don't usually take any more time for lunch than it takes to get food and bring it to my desk, so having to take more time out for lunch is kind of a pain.  I feel like it looks bad if I'm not at my desk for long periods of time, so I have to tell myself that it's ok to be gone for 30 minutes at lunchtime and that it is expected that a normal person do that.  So I grab my cup and purse and go off walking around the buildings at my place of employment.  I grab the cup and purse because I'm too lazy to go back to my desk after the walk and before I get lunch!  We have a nice path around the buildings to walk around.  It slopes very gradually down and then around the back there's a significant hill to walk up.  There are usually people to watch and I can listen to my music or audio book so it's pretty nice.  I'm not looking forward to doing it in summer though.  After that I feel pretty good and lively, and I get my lunch and go back to my desk to work and eat.  I think the walk is helping me to stay much more alert in the afternoon.

Then at 5, or 6, or whenever I'm done working on MWF I head to the bathroom to change into gym clothes and then I'm off to the little gym at work.  I'm finding this pretty hard to make myself do!   It's evening and I'm tired and hungry and I wanna go home and rest and see my family!  Just today I was trying to talk myself into skipping just this once because I REALLY didn't feel like exercising.  Then the "good voice" in my head sternly said, "No, this is what you do now."  I dragged myself over to the bathroom and changed, got a drink of water and headed to the gym.  I got onto the elliptical and thought, "Those other people are probably thinking I made a New Year's resolution and I'll be gone by March, but I'll show them." (Isn't it lovely when everyone is mean to you in your head?)  I started going and forking hated it for about 5 minutes, and then it wasn't so bad.  I listened to my book and watched Castle on the TV and ogled Nathan Fillion for the next 15 minutes and I was done.  I felt less tired afterwards too.  It's not so bad really, it's just the looking forward to it that's hard.

Diet Soda

One of my biggest struggles in trying to get healthy is trying to stop drinking diet cola.  There is more and more research that points to the fact that diet soda is REALLY bad for you, and I drink at least a half gallon a day.

Besides lovely things like kidney problems, it’s been found that diet soda actually contributes to obesity!  From what I understand, the sweetness of artificial sweeteners tricks your body into thinking it had sugar, and triggers an insulin response.  Because you didn’t eat any carbs/sugars though, the insulin doesn’t have any sugar to process, and you have a state called hyperinsulinemia.  Now your body thinks it needs food, because insulin is high and there are no sugars for it to process.  The result is you get hungry and want to eat, and you don’t feel energetic because your body thinks you may be starving and conserves as much as possible.   If at the same time you’re taking in more calories than you need (imagine a typical burger, fries, and a diet coke scenario), the extra insulin very efficiently helps store the extra as fat.  All this from diet soda!

Ok, so I know why it’s bad for me, but why can’t I stop?!  I’m actually down from a gallon a day a few years ago, so that’s a start, but right now I’m having two particular problems.  One is in the morning on my way to work.  That’s when I really feel like I NEED a soda, because I use it for my wake-me-up caffeine kick.  My solution here would be to drink iced tea instead, but iced tea takes 5 minutes I hate spending in the morning, plus a cup from home I have to cart around all day and then bring home and wash.  I know, first world problems, but seriously, diet soda is at McDonalds, and I go there anyway, and it’s only a dollar!  Ugh.  The second time is easier.  It’s at lunch.  I already have my soda cup from breakfast, and a refill is 50 cents ay the cafeteria.  I have a choice there though, I can get iced tea instead.  My current roadblock is that the iced tea is usually out when I get there, so I get…a diet soda.  Aaargh.

Corporate Wellness

I know corporate wellness programs are, at the bottom line, all about being good for the corporation.  I'm also aware of the worries about letting your company collect a bunch of health data about you, and that they may use the information against you, and so on.   In any case, I'm not sure why I'm starting this post out this way, because what I want to say is that I *love* my corporate wellness program.

First off, we have an awesome cafeteria full of healthy food.  It's possible to get a cheeseburger, or even a chicken and bacon quesadilla, but you have to ask for them special.  All of the everyday entrees and grill specials are about 12 weight watchers points, and they have a special "300 Calorie bowl" which is a small portion of the daily entree that has 6 or 7 weight watchers points.  It's not icky stuff either, it's yummy.  Tacos with rice and beans or turkey lasagna with garlic bread are a couple of the usual entrees, and they try not to have the same thing too often so it's hard to get bored.  All the food is cheap too.  The 300 Calorie bowl is $3.83, and when you refill your own cup with any drink it's only 50 cents.  They also have a salad bar with a TON of fresh, lightly steamed, and grilled veggies, and all the dressings are light.  Oh, and they have a tossed to order salad every day too, the cobb is divine.  It's like a healthy eater's dream restaurant, and it's 50 yards from my desk.

As if that weren't already a big help they have a bunch of programs to help everyone get/stay healthy, and almost all of them are free.  The Weight Watchers program I'm on is free, comes with free e-tools, and the meetings are right in the cafeteria.

We also have a walking program that's also free, and comes with a free pebble activity monitor. The pebble is basically a motion detecting device (not GPS!) that syncs with an automatic base station at work to upload my activity to a social-type website where everyone can kind of chat and encourage everyone.  It also tells me my step goal for the day.  So far I've made my step goals every weekday.

For the people who just need baby steps to fitness (and what I did all last year) we can do the Daily Challenge. Anyone can join that one and it's fun.  They email and/or text you something really tiny, yet healthy to do every day, and you can also develop a social network on the site and read about how people did their task and encourage people, and even form pacts with people that you will both complete the next five days worth of tasks.  Doing tasks gets you points, and your points grow trees, graphics of trees, um, that's not the most exciting bit of the site.

Then there's the on site gym with plenty of cardio machines, and last but not least we have free fitness classes right on site, so soon I'm be doing Zumba Mondays at 5:05.  I'm not sure how many people do the fitness classes, but its really odd that so few people use the gym.  I'm trying to go three times a week, and I go right after work and there are usually two or three people in there, and it's still January.  It should be packed, right?

Oh yeah, if we do some of the above free stuff, we get a discount on our health insurance and an extra day off.  It's not a cheesy discount either, it's like a hundreds of dollars kind of discount.  I could be all pessimistic and say if I don't act healthy they make me pay more for my health insurance, but for once I'll be an optimist.  It's like they're paying me to get healthy!