It's hard always looking around and noticing I'm the fattest girl in the room. I'm the fattest girl by 100 pounds in my Zumba class, the fattest one in my department at work, probably on my whole floor. I'm the fattest girl in the gym, the fattest out of all my friends, and the fattest girl in my family. Even when I look through the Weight Watcher's success stories I can't find anyone that's lost as much weight as I need to lose.
It kind of sucks; it's hard on the self esteem. I don't eat much more than many people I know, and I don't exercise much less, but I'm the fat one. My poor daughter's growing up the same way, and I know it will be hard for her too, just as it was for my mother. Knowing I'd do very well in a famine doesn't help much when I throw away more uneaten food and leftovers from my fridge each week than many people get to eat. Knowing that the only people who truly find my body beautiful are fetishists doesn't help much either (though I'm grateful for those of you who might be reading!).
It's been a hard week after last week. I've been staying within my points allowance but I keep getting discouraged, and having tiny binges and then having to eat vegetables with vinegar for supper because I'm out of points for the day. Yesterday and today I didn't walk at lunch. I was too busy yesterday with work and today I went to Target at lunch instead. I have kept up my MWF gym work though. I'm going there now. I've also increased the gym time a bit from 20-30 minutes on WF, and doing the hour of Zumba on Monday, so that's one positive thing at least I've done this week.
Congrats on increasing your exercise times!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing so well and I hate to burst your bubble, but you are officially not the fattest one on the floor or on your team...I am! Trust me friend. But you are working on yourself and doing so well with the gym schedule and walking when you can. Don't beat yourself up for not being 'perfect' in all that you are doing. You still rock!!
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing: if you're the "fattest girl in the room," it's because the fatter ones are at home, not even trying. They've given up. They don't have your determination, your drive, your ambition, your willingness, your self-esteem. They don't care enough to make the effort. You do. And that's an absolutely amazing thing. I KNOW.
ReplyDeleteCaveat: Every fat person who CAN'T, rather than WON'T is excluded from the above. I know how hard I have to work for my results, so I'm bloody proud of every 2 oz. of weight I lose, and every time I walk a few feet more than I did last week. Would I make slightly faster progress if I cut down to 1200 calories a day instead of 1500? Yes. Would I make slightly faster progress if I did five short "workouts" rather than two? Yes. Every day, instead of most? Yes. Can I be that strict with myself, without getting discouraged and giving up? Hay-ELL no.
Anyone who wants to sneer at Beauty (or me, or anyone else) for showing up and making the effort can go straight to the Bog of Eternal Stench, and not come back--including the voices in my head that tell me that I won't ever get "any better," so why even try?"
*smiles, sweetly*
Tia