To make a long story short, I was able to see a psychiatrist and they upped one of my meds and that mostly fixed everything. Just as I had gotten the meds fixed I had a really horrific confrontation with a woman at work which set me back a good bit. In June I got sent to another building to sort out some problems there and have since been happily in limbo, technically working with a team I never actually have to see. I found that as long as I don't have to witness the team drama it doesn't bother me. On top of that I LOVE the project I'm doing. A couple weeks ago I got notice that I might have to move back over with the team, but it's kind of a one person says yes and another person says no kind of thing. I figure I'll sit away from the team until someone tells me I have to go back, and not worry about it because it's out of my control. That's easier said than done though, because now I'm having flashbacks every day about the stupid aforementioned confrontation. Oh, I also got a new counselor, and I was really freaked out at first because she had a Christian symbol tattoo, but I ended up just telling her my worries about it and we talked about it and it turns out I really like her. That wasn't as short as I'd planned. In any case, I decided to come back to my blog to talk about my body and food issues. Today's food and physical body.
I weigh 130 pounds more than I should, which means to be at a "healthy" BMI I should lose half my bodyweight. I've put healthy in quotes there because I think eating right and exercising regularly makes for a healthy person at a wide range of weights. I'm also a compulsive eater and I have been for as long as I can remember. I don't eat whole pizzas at a time or anything, but I can easily put in four pieces, and then another two later, and another two in the morning, and another two later until that pizza is gone, because I can't stop thinking about it until it is. Drive throughs are my downfall. I have to drive past dozens of them every day. I adore breakfast sandwiches. I like fatty food, savory food, and sweet food. It's definitely not one or the other for me. I'll eat something junky to celebrate any small achievement and to console any minor bad mood, any excuse to get something yummy. I used to avoid the vending machines at work by not carrying cash, but now they take my card, so it's hard to get through the day without two diet rockstars and a rice krispy treat. It's definitely a compulsion. Almost all my binges are not gigantic but they are calorie dense, like a milkshake on the way home from work after a tough day. In my adult life I have not been able to stave off eating compulsively for more than about three months at a time. I hide it from Evy so she won't beg for the junk I'm eating. I'm not sure why I'm like this or what to do about it except to keep trying again/harder to stop doing it. I've tried everything short of hiring some meanie to follow along behind me and knock the junk food out of my hands directly. I'd hire a personal chef if I had the dough.
I remember when I was very small my mom would give me a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and a piece of bologna, some canned veg-all, and a canned pear for lunch, and she cooked supper. I think I may have been hungry a lot, but mom was strict about food because she didn't want me to ever get fat like she was. My school age breakfast was the same and lunch was a PB&J sandwich, a piece of fruit, and a snack like a granola bar or fruit leather. That lasted until ma got sick when I was in 6th grade. After that Dad and I went out a lot to fast food and buffets, and I put on weight at a rapid pace. The summer between 9th and 10th grade my ma helped me crash diet, teaching me how to count calories, and sneaking me cigarettes to help stave off my hunger. I managed to stay somewhere between thin and chunky until ma died when I was 22, often by denying myself meals so I could fill my belly at others. After ma died I gained a bunch, got back down to 200 for one shining moment after my divorce, and then minor roller coastering to my current weight. I've maintained this weight for a few years, mostly through feeble ongoing attempts at Weight Watchers.
Right now I'm on vacation and am attempting one more time. It's SO hard to make changes when I'm working. I just don't have the energy to keep them up and I keep slowly slipping back to where I was before. My vacation is a staycation and I'm focusing on the following:
- I happily joined the cheap no-frills gym that just opened across the street from my house. When I'm working I will only be able to use them on weekends as they have reduced hours at the mini pre-location they opened, but on 1/1/15 they will open the main gym and I will be able to go before work or after. There will also be classes, including Zumba which I love.
- I'm tracking my food on Weight Watchers again.
- I'm trying to eat mostly things which are whole or minimally processed, with a focus on fueling my physical body properly. This is after a discussion with my doctor of me possibly having an endocrine disorder.
- Last week I instituted theme nights at home for four nights a week, both to improve family bonding and to set a dining theme for each evening so we are prepared, and avoid last minute takeout suppers. (Monday is planned takeout like Subway, Tuesday is antipasto (cold supper), Wednesday is family dinner, and Thursday is a fast or very easy cooked dinner, like crockpot or stir fry.
- Some time ago I started packing my own lunch when I pack Evy's. I'd like to source some more easy whole food options for the lunches, because I'm packing a lot of froot by the foot and angry birds graham crackers.
- I quit diet cola again. Needing a diet cola is often a great excuse for a trip through the drive through. Plus, that stuff is nasty for my body.
You can do anything you set your mind to. For me, gradual changes in diet work best. I eat mostly whole, unprocessed food and try to avoid fast food.
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