Hi! So I'm not doing so well. There's a post down there I didn't even share because I wrote it in half-on crisis mode. Here's the biggest problem. Full on crisis mode for me is bad, folks. My anxiety attacks include lovely things like screaming (loudly), falling on the floor, drooling, choking and gasping for breath. (I looked on youtube for an example but none of them are as bad as mine.) I can NOT afford to have one of these at work. If I did I'm sure an ambulance would be called, and I have very very serious reasons why I MUST not be 5150'd. Of course, trying to make sure I don't leads to additional anxiety. I had to take an Ativan at work yesterday, it sucked. My brain was dulled.
So...operation fix me has started. I told my counselor what was going on (I had an anxiety attack over telling her about my anxiety attacks, so meta!) I asked for two weeks off work. I told my manager that I am having health issues, and I told my new lead, who I trust implicitly, exactly what was going on. I have today and Monday off to start, and then I will return to work for two weeks of training up my lead and new colleague to do what I'm doing and then I'm out of there for two whole weeks and I will NOT be logging on for anything less than a balls-out emergency. Letting go of work is hard though. Maybe because I feel important there, and I really like feeling important. Also, my responsibility, which creeps back in in an, "I'm the only one who knows how to do these 100 things, who will do them if I'm not there?" and "I got three x yesterday that I need to do y to but I didn't get to them even working 12 hours a day, what's going to happen?" I'm going to get in trouble. When people ask why something is not done the only thing I can say is, "Sorry, I didn't have time." No one likes that answer.
Today is kind of worky. I had to log on to approve a ticket I promised to approve, and later I have to log on to write my year end review, due today and haven't started. :-/ I'm home though, and hiding on IM so no one can bug me unless they know the trick of checking to see if someone is hiding on IM or really offline.
I'm going to be posting short posts about operation fix me I think. Today I'm having my nails done, because they are falling off. We're going to Ikea to buy pillows for the whole family and have some meatballs. Ikea is a fun place for us, like an adult playground where we ooh and ahhh over the interesting designs and fall in love with the ingenuity of the cabinetry and stuff. It's getting kind of late, so the nails and Ikea might happen in the other order. Then I have to take Evy to exchange with her dad for the weekend.
Tomorrow is my 40th birthday, which is playing a part in my anxiety, but I think it's a peripheral part, like, the anxiety from work spills over into everything and makes it bad too. Poor Sheldon! He's the one I'm always with when I finally break and have an attack. I'm sure it's because it's the only time I really feel like I can be myself is with him, but really, poor guy! He's being really great about it, but I can see he's becoming exhausted as well trying to support everything else so I can keep it together enough to continue working.
Whoops, start over. Tomorrow is my 40th birthday and I was able to Priceline a nice hotel in Oakland for $60 (thanks to Judge for reminding me again how to Priceline properly), so we'll be playing in the City Saturday and Sunday. I'm not planning anything specific, I mostly like looking at the people and architecture and pigeons and other city stuff, but a good meal or two will probably be had. I have Monday off to rest. My sleep has been utter shite lately.
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